perspectives – extrapolating from the tips of conversations
An integral distinction exists between survival and strength. Although the two terms are in many ways interdependent, they are certainly not synonymous. I survive. It’s what I know how to do. But strength is another matter that seems to be intricately balanced with weakness. It has to do with the ability to exercise voice and logic, and I lack that capability far too often.
This kind of honesty leaves me feeling stained like fingertips from the print of yesterday’s cheap newspaper. It’s what can keep me at a distance from the people I care about. Because when you tell these kinds of stories, you become something other than who you are – who they thought you were. When you say all the things I could say – some of which I’ve said here – you become the subject of a raised eyebrow – the hushed voices upon your approach. Ultimately, you become the unhealthy
. The broken. And nobody wants to be with that person. People with problems, even in the past, don’t make good friends or lovers. It’s a stigma that keeps me from participating in too much self-revelation. People only believe they want to know
you, then mostly there is judgement followed by self-immolation.
Mostly, I wonder in these situations if people can recognize the difference between honesty and neediness. I’ve certainly never been looking for someone to fix
me. Having never viewed myself as broken to begin with.
Thoughts like these are what simultaneously hold me here and keep me running. They provide me with the realization that I’ve made it through worse times, but making it through those times taints my future possibilities as well.
I like who I am.
Even my flaws and inconsistencies.
I am that person as a result of everything that has come before.
I do not regret, therefore, any of my experiences.
And I don’t think I’m so fucked up –
Not any more or less than people who’ve lead relatively normal lives, I guess.