the intricacies of losing you
in spite of all the anticipated consequences, i decided to stop wearing the useless circle of gold and stones. slipped it off quite carelessly in the middle of the day after i caught sight of its awkward shine while sorting through a basket of handcrafted soaps. a release that at once felt liberating and inappropriate. what does it really mean, anyway? i thought, as i paid for the overpriced bars. filled that moment with sandalwood, mango, vanilla. much later i became overwhelmed with the desire to mail them away. to escape the lingering. the sudden tangible aroma of weightlessness. sent them to jay with a flyer i’d found taped to my door upon returning home that said does god love you? making all the items anomalies and, therefore, beyond question. to make up for the requisite feeling of emptiness, i’ve placed a thick heavy silver ring on the middle finger of my left hand. the bulk and the weight are currently fine reminders.
yesterday with that token in my pocket, all i could think about was pete. how over the tops of steaming hot coffee on a cold grey day he’d asked me to make the same decision. and i did. gratefully. took it off in some fleeting moments when i thought i might change my mind. pretend that things could be different and wonderful. but i was already carrying the weight of the history of a thousand daughters of a thousand mothers. already trying to recklessly redeem myself from pocketfuls of regret. there just wasn’t enough room for anything more.
but now the moment has come back around. and this time, i’ve wrapped it up in my beloved grandmother’s embroidered handkerchief and placed it safely away. it really shouldn’t have taken me this long.