seeking wisdom from the past

The phone rang leading me into something unplanned and strange. And the tones from the other end reminded me that I need guidance and wisdom. I called T’s father M. He’s known me since kindergarten when he played the piano for us in the evenings and we’d dance in our nightgowns on the crisp wooden floors and pretend that we were princesses or birds. He played for us throughout our years – even after we became young adults and instead of imaginary beings he helped us transform ourselves into the music. And I became a woman under his gaze – as a result of his love and appreciation. Until I pulled away. Ran away to transform myself in other ways. We reminisced about these things and other matters until I revealed that I needed his fatherly presence again. That I was seeking transformation from his advice and his years of living an honorable life. His voice came down like summer rain and made me feel like home. Like an embrace I never want to leave. And I told him as much as I could. Every fear. Every possibility mapped and routed into the future. All the things that have happened over these last few years to lead me to this confusing and frustrating position.

He began simply by saying, “I love you.” And he said it over and over again until he understood that I believed him. It’s difficult for me to accept that level of emotion from someone that I know isn’t required to give it. And it hurts me – somewhere deep beneath my eyes. An ache that has slowly been producing tears in sporadic shifts throughout the day.

His message wasn’t simple or romanticized, and I won’t capture it well enough here. He suggested that I consider the idea of starting over. Do I want to start over together or alone? Anyone can change. Anyone can try harder. If that’s what you want, then you’ll have to see where it takes you. Nothing is going to be easy all of the time. Even the most wonderful connections that we make are going to go through difficult and seemingly insurmountable times – and you’ll have to decide for yourself where you stand within that. People fall out of love, but they don’t have to remain that way – but it will take both of the people involved to decide to make reparations. You don’t take decisions lightly. Nor have I ever known you to rush to judgement. You dedicated your life to something – and it will take your dedication to keep it strong – any relationship will require that.

M and I got married at the same age – and he and his wife are still together and have been for somewhere around 30 years. He told me that the most important thing to do – is to find my own happiness – the rest is just a supplement that should make everything ever more enjoyable.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.