during the picture frenzy
i found an envelope of things i must have been trying to hide from myself. wish i had a scanner. there’s a photo i shot of Paul lighting a cigarette. he’s sitting on the old blue-grey couch in his living room. but the picture is so dark, it’s almost impossible to make out anything but his face. we were usually in low light. i had a habit of over-exposing in those days. and it’s a black and white. i remember that night specifically. we were burning candles shaped like pilgrims. and i shot an entire roll of film to document their shape shifting. we ate M&Ms. the girl burned out faster. there’s a picture of the plate of wax. the boy’s shoes didn’t melt completely. and it’s all just a bit surreal. in one, i swear i can almost make out bryan’s form. i’ve no pictures of him. i decide it’s just a shadow. there are other things. bottle tops and movie stubs. a shoe lace. one blue cat’s eye marble. the quarter paul gave me when he went away. and two letters. i didn’t open or read either. but i might. soon. i know what words are in there. waiting for me. i know one is from bryan and the other one isn’t. and they both play at not being confused or sad. i know one was meant as a way to say goodbye without really saying it.

and i curse the way images get lost in the mind. i can’t even see his face these days.