options

decided not to go out tonight. (hence, no outfit choosing. just a quick run to the store to stock up on much needed items – like stoli vanilla.) because jay and i figured we needed one of our reckless conversations in which we talk about nothing and everything. and i needed something to fill in the silences that are currently making my bones ache. so when the phone rang, i was pleased. but it wasn’t jules’ black and white tones on the other end.

i need to see you, he declared in pink honeysuckle showers. if i don’t see you soon, i’m going to lose my mind.

and even though i pretend not to care. i want to scream out when. where. i want to say anytime at any price. but i don’t. unlike stoli – he’s a luxury i cannot afford to drink down. he’s a dream that has to remain in the buried but ever present past. i have to believe that he’s been undiscovered. but it’s the goddamned memories that make the words of negation so hard to produce. the faulty idea that his hands might unlock the mysteries of some universe i didn’t even know existed.

it’s a terrible conversation, because i’m fighting myself. and him. the contradiction of wanting to be convinced of something that could never ever be possible. it’s too much i shout. this is all too much. and we eventually cut the other loose. this one time only. but not before he admonishes, i wonder when you will ever figure out that what you want and what you need are nothing close to what you have. and when you finally decide that you’ve had enough of a give that never leads to take, i might not be here – waiting.

but he isn’t waiting. and that’s the element that he never likes to acknowledge. that he’s in just as deep and that if anything the ways in which he loves me are only a fantasy he allows himself to believe in. something to make himself feel better about the deficit he too won’t ever release.

we’re too much the same, i say. without worry of damage or hurt feelings. and I hope that he knows that if ever and always i want the things i can’t have in a world that is far removed from this one.