contradictions

last night I call jules. not because I have anything to say, but because I have a desperate need for things to be quiet. because I want the world to stop. my world. because most of the time being here makes it impossible to think.

we talk about relationships and other things that neither one of us seems to understand. until he says quite appropriately:
Do you think you’ve ever had sex with somebody you’ve actually loved?
You mean in a mutual love kind of way?
I mean you were sure you loved them and the act was tied to it.
No.
Not even now?
No. Not now.
Me either.
Fuck.
I might have thought so once. But I was wrong.
Yeah. Me too.
What do you do with that?
We’re fucked up.
Seriously?
I’m being serious. I don’t think either one of us is capable of even addressing that issue right now.
We are fucked.
we talk for a long time about why it is that we’ve been able to divide elements like emotions and the physical. that we’ve been doing it for so long -- neither one of us believes we could find a single person containing both worlds. and other things that seem impossible and that we don’t like to admit.

this morning on the way to coffee, i heard comedown and thought the answer might be somewhere in the voice – the chorus. i took a long time getting back home. thinking all the while about things that heal and words like sanctuary.