i’m having that nightmare again
the one about the cars – the accident
until i wake
filled with the results of the late night
myself

the only salvation
hot
strong
coffee

later
i walk in the sun
stray without direction
the purposelessness feels sneaky
like a cold draft
let my mind wander
farther than my feet can carry
imagine myself getting run down by a passing car

i stop
and call long distance
from a pay phone down the street from my house
even though i could have easily dialed right from my living room
against the traffic
i hear his answering machine
blur
when it’s my turn
i can’t remember what to say

half-heartedly watch a movie after the sun goes down but turn it off part way realizing i’ll either cry soon or lose interest and i don’t have the spirit for either instead i try to write and nothing comes out nothing worthwhile only something about that stupid dream i’ve been having since i was old enough to remember i write about how this morning i wondered if my neighbors were dead in their apartment because i could hear their alarm clock going off for over an hour the rational response that they may have just been out didn’t occur to me until later but i selected it all with the mouse and hit the delete key created a new document without a name and typed

bagpipes are sexy