I've checked all the web sites that I normally read. Paced my apartment. Turned the tv on, then off, then on again. Still blaring like a spoiled child in the other room. I've closed the door of my office to get away from the sound rather than just going the extra steps to switch it off. I think I like the contention. Having something tangible to be angry or frustrated about. I slept for approximately 25 minutes, an hour or more ago on my couch, and I believe that might have been the crucial mistake. That or it's the only thing I can name at the moment. I wonder how I can be so terribly and sickly tired and still not fall off that edge that might deliver me somewhere closer to anything that feels more functional than this.

Today was all glorious blues and shiny sun and cool breezes. When I walked the streets of the city. Trying to pound out this insatiable desire that might be happiness. I was tired then. Feet skimming the edges of the stairs as I pushed up and then into my apartment. Ate food. Had pretty conversation. Today I talked to the dogs waiting for homes at the shelter. Their sad eyes and the way they shook behind the confines of their small cages made me cringe. Made me remember a different life of mine. Glassy and terrified. Lonely. But there's no more lonely in me these days. Only blues and sun and enough air to breathe.