this fever like the whole world has been covered over in vaseline. blurred. too slick to grip. these days i feel like i'm forever falling. like i'd rather have back those days where i'd lay for long hours curled up on the bathroom floor weak and spilling out the remains of the days upon days before that when i'd been too sick to eat anything anyway. my bathroom. windowless. a space where the passing of time doesn't exist. with or without the lights on. right now i'm facing the world doped up on pain killers and instinct.

i'm tired of blood tests. the inconclusive nature of disease. i'm tired of medications and not being able to function like a normal person. i don't want to go like this. i don't want to burn up in this fire.