but right now i wish that anyone who wanted to could jump inside this body, this head, and feel what i feel this incredible madness that isn't pain or anger or anything that might make you feel like you wanted to throw yourself under a fast moving bus or train because you should feel like the happiest person alive but aren't. that you're happy in a way that would never make you feel like you wanted to throw yourself on a thick pile of splintery wood.

i wish you all could feel it or know it or that i had the sense about me and the skill to put it all into words.

but only now there is this residual lovely madness, like the thick heaviness of a tongue in the mouth after too much red wine, and the way these legs don't feel like they want to run anywhere at all.