to make this cramp in my left foot go away
to stop saying the f-word
to figure out how in the hell i'm ever going to figure--even just one of these important things that I need--out
instead, I'm going to make chili
and possibly drink some wine
watch the ingredients build themselves into something pungent and appetizing
wish i remember the way my grandmother sounded
when she laughed

last night i found a card H. had given me on some stray holiday. he loved cards. i hugged his handwriting off of the page and wondered when i'm going to get over this. cried and hoped i never do. because even after a few days, important things begin their fading. like the measure of space between the tip of your thumb and where your wrist begins.