i felt like gnashing my teeth and sobbing. like telling someone off. i mean really hurting someone else's feelings. scream at you for always being such a self-satisfying bastard. hurl damaging words until i'd lost control of time and place. until my lungs felt filled with sand and fire. too easy. not the problem. not even a problem. just something lash onto. to scoop out these bucket-fulls of bile. hollow faithless attacks. i'd rather throw lit matches on my naked legs. sear the skin to leave a mark. and pretend it didn't hurt enough to make me make sound. to cry. i'm tough enough. i could scream it. through teeth and clawing fingernails. to the walls of my room. where i sit insane quiet. fumbling with this lit fuse and the slow tick tick until i explode. at 3:30 am i crawled into the window sill. perched and watched the orangey glow hue of white storm breaking day. wrapped the duvet around my naked body. the snow tapping like fingernails at the glass. begging me. raised the glazed box open. let some of me out. let some of you in.