it isn't like i don't try. try. like i mentioned yesterday is becoming one of my favorite words. yesterday with the orange and a few salty chips in the afternoon. several pulls of bread in the evening. nothing else. just a few bites. this morning i made coffee with milk. milk has food properties. i even made a lettuce and onion sandwich and carried it to work. i even tried to just go eat a couple of bites of it, because my head started swimming. but i can't eat it. a few bites and i decided that between before and now, i no longer like mayonnaise. and the thought of the taste of it makes me want to retch. heh. retch is a good word too. it always makes me think of john rechy. city of night. and of being in love with james baldwin. in part, because he isn't afraid of telling the truth. the coffee made me sick. not words though. i feel really alone right now. overcome. i need new words for alone. and sleep.