is that, then, a contradiction in action? and can one create and experience an action contradiction? i've promised myself that i'll start posting something everyday. mostly because i've grown exceedingly depressed and have the hope that the accomplishment of typing text into this box and pushing the orange 'Publish Post' button might give my dismal and disgusting life some kind of meaning. sad, really. especially since most smart people stop themselves from posting when they become this redundant -- this totally unnecessary. i'm like a string of expletives after everyone already knows just exactly how pissed off you are. like the extra radio station you keep dialed into your car because you know it will always be playing something of which you can make fun.

i'm not canadian, but i use the construction grade 4 rather than 4th grade.
i'm not british, but i think people should obviously wear paper crowns at christmas and that words like aubergine and courgette just sound better.
i'm not very smart, but i'm currently in the final stages of a phd program that i've realized i'll never be smart enough to finish.

i hate grammar and answering email and answer phone message from my father. even though it's just gone half 10, i've opened a bottle of red wine. my second one going this week. i figure one of my friends in some time zone or another would justify the endeavor. probably, however, not my mother who is likely just drinking coffee and having a bit of toast and jam for brekkers.

i keep dreaming about flying away from here and never looking back. and wondering if it's a silly fantasy to think that a year from now my life might look incredibly different. that it might have hope in it again, for a future that holds loveliness and kindness and friendship and adoration. that even cold winter fingertips waiting for buses will have something valuable to curl lips into smiles and lasting to say.