i think i was going to make a post about being a little girl. but now i've forgotten what it was about. and so i'm just typing as fast as i can wondering what might come out. my boyfriend has a wonderful grandmother. i've been having dreams about her lately. she has a unique name which we would steal for our own baby. if we ever had one. and it was a girl. but we won't. so we only dream-talk about it. and likely things we might call a cat one day. if we got one. and i don't think that's so strange. or the fact that this week i mistakenly thought that someone i previously thought was the Enemy wasn't worth my time pretending he didn't actually exist anymore. and so contacted not out of the blue, but because i thought it was silly to harbor some latent feelings i didn't really feel anymore. but only because i thought i might have something that he wanted. until he didn't respond. and i realized, obviously, the film always has the same ending. no one has changed the reel. when he told me to go to hell forever. that's exactly what he meant. see, unlike super-forgiver-extraordinare me, he's a man with convictions. and so, he'll never go back on his word. his decision. to loathe me forever. sigh. sometimes i'm glad for my big fat bleeding heart and my ridiculously loose principles. lately, i've been up late at night thinking about the east. and trying to imagine a class based on the theme of the western imagination. i've been dreaming about coasts and sand in my teeth. and cold strong coffee.