fast posting, part two

just had one of those moments. where i was standing in the same spot killing time before something starts that i was standing in waiting for something else to start 5 long years ago. except this time, i'm on the very end of things instead of the beginning. and the computers in the student lounge, where i haven't been since that first time are much better. faster. sleeker. and at desks with chairs. i wonder about the weather in the east. and if i'll ever get enough sleep. i'm thinking about taking myself off my medication and giving up food, again. my mind feels like recordable wax. every time i go to write my dedication and acknowledgments pages i start crying my eyes out. this isn't going to be easy, for either of us, she says. but i hope we're going to be alright. yeah, he says. and they rock heads and touch palms. holy lies we all tell ourselves to sleep better at night. only they don't sleep. she lies awake and counts paper birds. flying. dreams of morning grass in fall. the heat of the kitchen. the way her voice falls dumb and trembling when she cries. in the shower.