maybe if we were just younger, i think. then. but then, then. i was psychotically emotionally distressed. unconscionably inconsolable. insecure. moody. weird. unpredictable. strange. i had the wrong hair. the wrong clothes. the wrong skin. the wrong voice. the wrong way round. me. and. you. were somewhere else. instead. some long way round from here. we both are. still. but not the same.

sometimes i feel like a wind-up toy. all sprung and taught. fighting forward into the folds of a corner. some wild memories of the life we could have lived. and then. torrential and flooding. they come. like the steady constancy of this rain tonight. on the other side of the kitchen window. of our lives. here. in england.