i'm not sure whether to pinch myself. if this is real. i walk around bare feet in the cold winter tiled back bathroom. to feel. scratch myself awake in the shower. say the same sentence aloud in every single language i know until someone answers. in this one. always the same. here. we. are. i think. alone. together. and you're always there when i open my eyes. making the coffee in the mornings. and smoking too many cigarettes. there crossing and tying my almost-snow-time scarf before i trip to work. tired and awkward strange me. and you. there. when i ring the number that is you when you're not there beside. there. whether i sleep or don't. talk or don't. there. there. mad crazy big bad love. there there therethe retherethere there.