i'm not always that great with names. faces. facing up. finding the right words. now, when the day ends. i don't leave it where it began. ready. i stay up late. searching through odds and ends. washing up. trash teevee. accomplishing nothing. here, there are pills for back pains and the aftermath of a great night with good friends. homemade coconut milk banana ice cream. and when my teeth buzz, and i watch a spider speed out from the gap in the open window and down the wall, i think. jesus. fucking. christ. how in the god damned ever loving hell am i ever going to be. any good. to any body who ever really needs me.